Notti Benz's Blogz

~* 26th June 2008 *~

2008-06-26T14:28:00.000+08:00

Today I feel so totally differently from last few days. Maybe love feeling started to lefted me. Last night,i sat alone at corner of my own bedroom drinking beer. Didn't realise i drank alot. Already been quite long time didn't drink alot of beer since first break up with my first ex-girlfriends. But i'm still awake but just feel abit dizzy. Is this no worth for doing that cause just both of them? Maybe right... I'm just pour all my feeeling to them. Just can't imagine the finally result was going to ended up like this ending. If want love me,i'll give my love for 100% for sure. *sob sob* maybe this is my fate be arrange by God. Hahaha...

Keep wondering why i'm always falls deep into love? Maybe i'm too emotional guy. Why i should keep the love that doesn't exist to me anymore? Power of love really i can't resist it. I was too loyal to my girlfriend. That's why i'm always get dumped by girlfriends. Doesn't that what girl wants? Really can't understand what the girls playing in their mind sometimes. Just take it as a lesson and life experience as well. No pain , no gain.... LOL

~* New Chapter *~

2008-06-26T12:17:00.001+08:00

*~ New Chapter ~*

Started a brand new life by today.
I'm returned back to single status once again. Since my girlfriends decided to choose freedom and told me that she doesn't have any feeling towards to me anymore. Yes, that's totally hurt so deeply inside my heart. The pain just like she taking a knife just stabbed direct into center point of my heart. But, i'm still treasuring my love deeply inside my heart no matter what she done to me. Maybe i deserved that cause previously i'm really a damn bad temper & egoism. But there's no way back to her heart. If in future she found her Mr.Right, there will be an congratulation send by me. I doesn't deserve to have her in my life cause of my own attitude. But atleast i'm still trying to be the best eventhough i'm not the perfect excatly as all girl wishes. I'm still awaiting her to back to my arms. But these just a part of my dreams, a dream that wouldn't never come true.

I have to keep go on my daily life without her. Obviously,i'm really feel lost without her. No sense of life direction. Now need to make a plan to step forwards without her. But her shadow still living fresh in my mind, even i'm trying hard to forget about her. Is this a power of love or maybe not? I'm so confused now. I'm just missed our sweet moment when we was still together.
This is the picture we snap inside her bedroom. Is it sweet? @_@"Just can't imagine this could happen on me. Hardly could accept this happening within 3days. Really have to move on now even i'm really love her with all love that i have inside my heart. I just can write here " I'm really love you just like a air that i breathe every second to make sure my heart keep on beating".
~*Past is a memories*~
~*Future is a fantasy*~
~*Present is a reality*~
I have to move on even she already stolen my heart away from me.

~* 19th June 08 *~

2008-06-18T11:18:00.003+08:00

19th June 2008

Since last night, I was awaiting for her message whole night till falls asleep. As she told me that's she wanna clubbing with her classmate.But previously, I'm very dislike but now I could accept it. Maybe last time I'm just care about myself only, didn't consider about people freedom or privacy. Flash back I'm really hate myself. But I learned from this mistake and wouldn't repeat this mistake again.

*Love need some space to be together till lasting*
*Love need trust and respect both side*

This regression can't endless in my life. Why I'm so immature thinking and close minded?
I know that I'm not the prefect but I'm trying to be the best for her. I'm really apologise for what I've been done previously. Without her, I feel so suffer in m life. I'm trying to treat her nicely and try to make her feel that she is the one which the happiest girl in the world to be with me. I'm really regret enough. I didn't wanna let this feeling disappear ever cause I ever know what's the problem really happen in our relationship. Whose never done a mistake in their life. I've been notice my own mistake and fault. But now I'm willing to change and learned a lesson from this mistake to avoiding repeat once again this mistaken in my life.

I invite her for dinner. I'm just love keep looking at her when she was in my car. Never felt this feeling before. So happy to stare at her without her notice. I just want this feeling keep going. Never wanna to change it ever. I'm already surrender myself to her. I'm just want to secure all my love just for her in my entire life to be with her. Even when she scold me, I admit that I'll mad or angry. But in deep of my heart,I'm really love she scolded me. Her depression and emotion face making myself felt thats I was happiest man to be with her. When she scolded me, I was just laugh just now. I remember all words,promises and what she like or dislike.
She really bring the feeling that I never felt that before. I'm really fall deepiest inside to her love. I'm admit that I REALLY LOVE HER. I just want her....

I'm shy to ask for her love,I'm too hurts for losing her love.
If I let her go, I wouldn't know how my life will be onwards.
I'll keep waiting her to back to my life. All I can do is wait everyday.
You're never ever know how special you're for me in my life.
You walk in my dream, I wouldn't ever let you walked out one of my dream.

~* I'm Trying *~

2008-06-18T02:58:00.002+08:00

17th June 2008,
10pm - 5am

I've been trying for whole day, didn't sms or call her. Even trying to don't think anything about her. But her face image still freshing inside my mind. Why should I need to suffer all this pain and hurts to loving her thats much? Why should I need to act like I'm already forget bout her meanwhile I'm still suffering this pain?

*Past is memories...
*Future is fantasy...
*Now is reality... This was been I told to myself to forget bout her.

But her face just like a shadow keep hunting in my mind, make myself going crazy keep thinking of her. Is that my love to her is just puppies love or true love? Why I can feel this hurts?
God,please me show the right way back to my normal life... I'm really enough with this suffering.

She told me that she wouldn't like or love me anymore for now & future. Cause she dislike me, for keep pressuring her. Is that an excuses to break my heart again? Zzzzz
Previous gave me hope, but now she makes me hopeless in my life.

I called her "sohai" in msn while chatting with her... just makes myself feel like I stabbed my own heart... Tears drop its own once again... Why I keep drop tear for her?
Why my love didn't get paid? I'm really lost all my focus on what I really need to do. I've been lost my dignity and trust. My love been smack to the wall by her and I still collect pieces to pieces to glu and fix it back to normal shape. But there's still a broken marks on its.

Every single night keep tearing before sleep. Just cry myself to sleep. I've been suffering this pain and hurt before for last 3years, just hope meet the my Ms.Right. Now I'm just facing a failure once again. Am I just look like a foolish guy for her? What I've been sacrifice for her there's still doesn't enough? Is it the God arrangement to let the loyalty lover suffer this pain?

Love is just feel like in heaven but Hurts like in Hell.
" You leave me breathless "
" You're everything good in my life "
" You leave me breathless "
" I still can't believe that you're not mine "
" You just walked away one of my dream "
" So beautiful you leaving me breathless "

" You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me "
" You're like an angel "
" The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me "
" You're something special "
" I only hope that I'll one day deserve what you've given me "
" But all I can do is try "
" Every day of my life "

I'm just love you so much, none of words can describe or give any defination my love specially for you. You're the air that I breath at all time to keep my heart beating all time. I'm drowning now without you. I'm still trying.... but I just can't feel that my heart beats without you in my life. Even now, my soul was keep stay alive without my spirit anymore.

~Quit Playing Games With My Heart~

2008-06-14T21:17:00.003+08:00

Even in my heart I see
You're not being true to me
Deep within my soul I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad baby
Quit playing games with my heart

Quit playing games with my heart
Before you tear us apart
I should've known from the start
Before you got into my heart
I live my life the way
To keep you coming back to me
Everything I do is for you so
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad
You better quit playing games with my heart

Quit playing games
Baby, baby the love that we had was so strong
Don't leave me hanging here forever
Oh baby, baby this is not a lie, let's stop
This tonight
Baby, quit playing games
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad, baby
Quit playin' games with my hear

~Her Decision~

2008-06-12T12:50:00.002+08:00

On 10th of June 2008,
She message me in afternoon. Asking me for a ride for shopping at Prangin malls. Without any doubt, I direct agreed to fetch her without any consideration.So, after i fetch my sis back from school. From here I drove my bike to island takes about 1 hour & 15 minutes to arrive her college.

So, we went to shopping mall & she started to shopping.I'm just following her walk here & there. She bought alot of new cloths. I'm just remain silent along when with her. Just feel wanna be beside her at all time, but didn't realised that I'm not just loving her is more love her then before. Oh my god~!!! why my love towards to her was keep increasing each day till to unlimited level thats hard to describe by myself. I'm never care about her bad habits or bad attitude cause that all I treat as perfectly for me. Is that sound like insane? Am I blind for love? Maybe right!!!

After finished shopping, we went to Gurney Drive for a dinner. She keep force me to eat, she noticed I've been lost my appetite. I just willing listen to her... eat without any second words from me. After that, we went to buy bread for her breakfast every morning before take off to college. She keep scolding me that why I wanna walk slow when be with her. The reason is, I like to follow her entire my life as what she do this to me before. Keep following me wherever I go.

On the way back to her rental house near college, she was keep message with her classmate.Thats making me hurts. Why when with me must keep messaging with friends? But when she was along with her friends, sure will later replying my message. Some more let me keep waiting for her reply about half an hour.Thats minimum, for maximum time is about 3hour. Thats killing me immediately. Haiz *sigh*
Reach her rental house, we sat & having some chatting but her friend messaging her that him wanna meet up with me.After a moment,he showed up with his some of friend. From that moment just I found out that her classmate wanna chase over her. Request me for don't keep disturbing her anymore. What a such a stupid.... makes me damn hot but I still remain cool down. Invite me for a fight, is that a silly decision? But I just ignore & just wanna peace with him... But what he said was very un-acceptable... Is that after break up with someone already can't chase back or be back together? What an immature kid.... I know sure will ego can study at Tarc college. Never mind, wouldn't blame him. Still didn't know anything yet. I'm just care about my girl that I wanna be with her.Even my hot-temper & ego, also already gone from me.
But what I didn't like is her with him everyday cause same class. Haiz... if like this, I think my chances will be lower. Damn sad to think about this but I will still keep work hard to win her heart back. Willing to wait her no matter what even my friends said I'm very silly to keep awaiting for a girl which wanna choose freedom more then choosing me. I wouldn't mind that. I know my love to her...She took my pure love... only her departure inside my heart.

If anyone read this blog, please drop me an idea how to win back her heart.
I will very appreciate for idea that be given by you all. Thanks.

-* I drive myself crazy thinking of you, mimi *-

2008-06-04T02:34:00.003+08:00

Lying in your arms

So close together

Didn't know just what I had

Now I toss and turn

'Cause I'm without you

Now I'm missing you so bad

Where was my head?

Where was my heart?

Now I cry alone in the dark

I lie awake, I drive myself crazy

Drive myself crazy thinking of you

Made a mistake when I let you go baby

I drive myself crazy wanting you

The way that I do... ( wanting you the way that I do)

I was such a fool

I couldn't see it

Just how good you were to me

You confessed your love, undying devotion

I confessed my need to be free

And now I'm left with all this pain

I've only got myself to blame

Why didn't I know it?

(How much I love you baby)

Why couldn't I show it?

(If I had only known)

When I had the chance

Oh, I had the chance

Wanting you the way that I do

Drive myself crazy

Wanting you the way that I do...


Use this picture.

-* New Hope *-

2008-05-31T02:25:00.000+08:00

31st May 2008,
*based on true story*

I'm have been trying to express my feeling to her every single days. We still keep in touch with each another everyday. Even she didn't wanna accept me back as her boyfriends, but I'm willing to wait , care & waiting for that day come. All I need to do is just hope that she would give me another chance to prove that I'm really change for her. As previously, my attitude was not good enough... Bad temper, un-romantic , keep thinking nonsense all time , always release pressure without care , keep jealous & too tight her to making another or new friends. Maybe didn't gave her some space or freedom. Eventhought, after that I'm already thinking more positive & change all my attitude that makes her really upset with me. I'm really regret that I treat her like this before. This is the swear I make from God, that I will change all to get her back to my side forever. Only her deserve inside my heart forever, nobody can replacing her anymore. She really meaning for my life.

If somedays. I lost all my property. I can accept that but I couldn't lost her in my life. Property can rebuild but love that once we lost it wouldn't be rebuild again. In deep my heart, she really suitable with me.
Forever I will choose her even I have another choices.
Even she old looks in future, she still pretty & cute for me. Cause I'm treasuring her inside my heart.

By now, I'm trying all my best to win her heart back. After that, I will appreciate her more then before. I'm willing less my 10years life if she really back to my life once again. I swear to god!!!
I'm just love her... She is all the best choice for me forever. I'll always only love you forever, Celyne.... Please come back to me~!!!

-* My Mistake *-

2008-05-29T14:05:00.000+08:00

21th May 2008,
*- real story & what been written in here was true & real happening -*

I've been done something terrible mistake to my love life.There was my deeply regret didn't care about her feeling if she been treated by me like this. If I were in her shoe, sure I will feel the same. That's all my fault... *sigh*

She just went to study there. Why I should keep thinking nonsense & keep giving her pressure? If she really belongs to me, I should have no doubt on her. Really all my fault. But I really use to be sweet moment with her at all time previously. We use to online till dawn morning then sleep till noon to sms with each another. We keep chatting and messaging each another at all time. I was very happy with that moment. So sweet with each another like we both needed each another. We suppose are sweet couple but cause of my jealously make this happen. I'm really regret with it. I'm ruining my own life. I'm lost without her by my side, I really mean it!!!

Jealous is a devilish feeling. Maybe I'm too love her deeply in my heart. Just I showed it out in wrong way. She is sweetheart for me. I love her smile when I make her laugh. I care her when she crying. I feel that she caring me when she scolding me. I like she ordering me to do something for her, likes no one else would make me falls in love again just except for her. I feel happiness when she was in my arms. I like to hug her when she was in sad condition. She is my breathe that keep my heart beating at all time. She is wonderful girl that I ever meet before. May Angel just sent her down specially for me but I doesn't appreciate her. Jealous make me lost her in my life... *sob*

I keep mad with myself now. How could I treat my love one in this way? I should need to trust her more then I trust myself. Keep guessing nonsense will make someone hurts cause own action. I'm feel terrible sorry for her. Finally, I've been know that I did something terrible mistake in my life but now is already too late to change. I promise her that I will change. I fullish all the promise that I promised her. Just didn't tell her cause wanna give her suprise and let her mention by herself. But she doesn't mention it but thought I was lie her. Wow!!! so heart break with she told me that. All I need is given time by her for me to change & knows my mistake. I'm just love her more then love my own life & parents. She was too important for me, only her can make me feel like I really can't live without her by my side. I'M REALLY LOST WITHOUT HER!!! I'm just want a last chance to prove it. That's what I done only specially just for her. I want her in my life. She is my hope & will to keep survive in this world. She gave me the a power to keep fighting till the end. All I want is just HER(Celyne Ong Fong Fei)... "I Love You very much & my heart already been treasure just specially for you!!! "

Maybe is too late for that but I'm still will wait till she back to me even takes 100 years, " I will ". I'm still willing wait here for her to back to my side & love each another just like usual. Thats will be my 1st wish in my birthday wishes every year from this year till my birthday ends up. I'm willing to sacrifice all just for her. I want to make her happy & feel that she was most lucky girl in this world to be with me. I WILL... I take it seriously. I will make it comes true just for her. I wanna apologise for what I've done before & I mean it to change that for her. My mind now has play a role just only got her.

She wants me stop training tae-kwon-do, I've been stop training.
She wants me stop thinking nonsense, I've been thinking positive now. I really mean change for her.
She wants me stop give all money to parents, I will do that for her in future when I works later.If she want all my salary, I'm willing to give her. Money doesn't important for me. Important things for me in this world is LOVE. I'm willing sacrifice all just for LOVE & for her thats all I needed in my entire life. Money wouldn't finish earns but just LOVE can't buy from money.

If she read this blog, I really hope thats she might give us a chance to start once again. I'll show her that she is all I'm willing to sacrifice just for her & love , care her so much more then before I do. I can't lost her in my life. I just want secure & true love. I wouldn't playful with love feeling.
But if, she doesn't want to give me a last chance for me to prove it.
I bless her thats she might find someone more better then I was. I'm just hope her be a happy & lucky girl in this universal. Wish her good luck.

If she choose that, I will hardly fall in loves again.
I has been pour all my love to her with fully love shape. I just wanna her be happy.
I'm already lost cause been losing her & regret for what I done to her.
Heart broken very hurt... That's the feeling that I'm feels now.
I'm very hope that she will back to me some days.

I love you very much, Celyne.
I drive myself crazy thinking of you all time.
I hope have a chance to express my love to you.